Am I old, or just a hot mess?

So I totally wet the bed the other night.

I can’t even remember the last time I wet the bed. I don’t think I was ever a bed-wetter as a kid. I do, however, remember one time when I was a child and I woke up in the morning, had to pee, and rushed to the washroom only to find it occupied. So I did what any sensible human with a brain would do: I went back to my room and peed on the floor. I mean… ??? I don’t remember what my logic was, like why I didn’t simply go downstairs to the second bathroom. If memory serves, I went back to my room to wait for the bathroom but then it became urgent, a little pee escaped and I just went with it. Thankfully it wasn’t a deluge and I was able to clean it up myself, without having to involve my mother. In fact, to this day she probably has no idea I peed all over my bedroom floor. Thankfully by then the carpet had been removed.

It’s pretty common for me to have pee dreams. That is, dreams wherein I need to pee. It’s probably a common occurrence for everyone. Our dreams are telling us to wake the fuck up and go relieve ourselves in a toilet, rather than ruining our beds. Usually my pee dreams involve me desperately searching for a washroom. I’m often at school, or another public place, and I’m searching and searching to no avail. And then when I finally find a bathroom, it’s so disgustingly dirty that I can’t fathom using it. Finally, I’m so desperate that I decide I’ll use the overflowing/dirty toilet anyway and it’s at this point that I wake up. But the other night my dream wasn’t so elaborate. I was just having a conversation, then I sat on a toilet that magically appeared, and started to pee. Like, a Niagara falls pee.

Then I woke with a jolt, realising I was actually urinating for realsies!!! I rushed to the washroom, where indeed a Niagara falls pee took place. Panicked, and refusing to fully believe what had just happened, I tentatively felt my pyjama bottoms for evidence of an accident. Yup, they were wet. Holy shit! Did I actually just wet myself?! What the hell?! I hadn’t even drank an excessive amount of water that day. I was, however, sick. I’ve had a chest cold for about two weeks now, and the other day, when I came home from work, a cough attack overtook me. As I coughed a bit of urine squeezed out, and I thought, wow, I really have to pee, and wow, I hope I don’t wet the bed tonight, hahaha, as if I ever would. But then I did just that!!!

After taking off my wet pyjamas and cleaning myself up I went back to the bedroom to inspect the bed. I felt around and immediately found the wet spot. Seriously?! I couldn’t believe it. I’m only 40 years old! Isn’t bed-wetting the purview of toddlers and geriatrics?! I was beginning to accept the reality of the situation but I was unsure of what to do. I debated simply putting down a towel and going back to sleep, but since I hadn’t turned the light on yet I couldn’t really tell how bad the damage was. I looked over to my boyfriend, still sleeping soundly and again debated my options. I obviously couldn’t change the sheets with him still in bed so I decided to wake him. I calmly explained the situation and he got up to help without a word of complaint. This was a pleasant surprise since he’s usually very grumpy when he gets woken unexpectedly, but he also tends to jump into action whenever he’s given an opportunity to help me. So we turned on the light and inspected the situation. The wet spot was embarrassingly large but not devastatingly so. Peeling back the mattress protector revealed that it had expertly done its job, and no urine had soaked through to the mattress! What a relief. So we changed the sheets, threw the soiled ones into the washing machine and went back to bed, where I stared at the ceiling and wondered what the fuck.

Would this have happened if I hadn’t been sick? Can I blame something like this on a cold, or am I just getting old? It’s not like having a sore throat could be linked to bladder control. A little intertron research tells me that adult incontinence is very common, but also more of a problem for women who’ve suffered the trauma of childbirth, and for those over 60, and I don’t have either of those excuses. And even then sleep pissing nocturnal enuresis is usually related to an underlying illness. So I guess I’m dying.

I suppose there’s nothing to be done but to wait and see if it happens again. In the meantime I can limit how much water I drink before bed or perhaps stop ingesting liquids altogether and become a dehydrated, shrivelled mess.

Still though, not as bad as the time I shit myself in public.

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