So I had my annual work evaluation the other day. What my job calls a “Contribution Assessment”. My supervisor basically said that my work is fine but the problem is my personality. I’m too negative and I don’t work well with others.
If she only knew how much I don’t say, how much I keep inside, how much remains hidden. I was actually pretty honest with her in my response, and mentioned a few problems with our workplace that are incompatible with my personal integrity, and I admitted to my social anxiety. But I didn’t admit that I have no intention of changing anything about the way I interact with my coworkers. For one thing, I’m incapable of such change. I’ve been working on it for 40 years and trust me when I say this is as good as it gets. I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till I make it” my entire life and my daily efforts to remain civil and positive are Herculean. I’ve also realized that the bigger the effort, the more likely I am to spiral into depression, so no, I absolutely will not try harder, because my mental health will always be more important than my job.
Now I just need to learn to stop taking it personally when people complain about me. I mean, it is personal, and it’s normal to care what others think of you, but if I’m not willing to be nicer to others, then I need to chill when they’re nasty right back.
2018 update: I was threatened with unpaid leave for posting this blog entry. I was also told that the above comics were unacceptable. I removed the blog post at my employer’s request and spiralled into a depression I still haven’t recovered from. But now I’ve restored the blog post because I quit, after being treated with a level of disrespect I could not tolerate (long story short is that my subordinate, who’d been working here for one month, while I’d been working there for ten years, was promoted to be my supervisor.) I was like, peace out! So this upsetting rant is coming back up!