Argyle

Argyle is the ideal pattern for a student trying to learn things. Professors trying to teach things can also benefit from argyle. It is a scholarly pattern, sophisticated, and intellectual. It’s upper-crust, but still accessible to us regular folks with high aspirations. I honestly don’t know how anyone could ever absorb any information about anything if they’re not wearing argyle. It would be like trying to bake cookies without sugar. Entirely doable, but it sort of misses the point of the cookie. What even is learning, if you don’t look the part?

13queeargyle

Argyle’s also good for just strolling down the street in a jaunty cap. It’s a multipurpose pattern.

Houndstooth

Houndstooth is traditionally a symbol of power. Originally intended exclusively for menswear it is now a gender neutral pattern (is any pattern gendered anymore?), but one that still conveys a sense of English countryside power, and an upper crust sensibility. Wear a houndstooth suit to your next board meeting and watch as your colleagues sit in rapture of your fashion sense, and then promptly fall asleep during your presentation on the latest TPS reports. (I mean, it’s a cool pattern but your slideshow is still dull as hell).

12queehoundstooth

Tropical

As the weather gets colder, fool yourself into believing it’s still summer by wearing a tropical print. Flowers, palm fronds, and exotic birds will help you feel warm and cozy, even as your delusion leads to shivers, and eventually, frostbite. But at least you’ll look good. Actually, you’ll probably look like an idiot. You’ll be like one of those club kids who go out in the middle of February without a coat on because they don’t want to pay for coat check but are perfectly willing to pay astronomical prices for watered down drinks. Don’t be a club kid. Just wear a damn coat!

11queetropical

Scallop

Scallop evokes the scales of a fish, or perhaps an enchanting mermaid. Deploy your scallop in a bright colour, or even multiple colours – an ombre is ideal – in order to maximize your mesmerizing moments of magistery. If anyone mistakes you for a mythical creature while in such a state, simply tell them to bring you a lump of coal, which you’ll turn into gold, and then, when their back is turned, jump into the nearest body of water and swim away, as wearing scallop will undoubtedly turn you into a mermaid for realsies.*

10queescalop

*I can’t fully confirm this to be true as I don’t actually own anything in scallop.