Gingham

December 10, 2018

Gingham evokes a lazy Sunday picnicking in the park, but picnicking in style, with everything coordinated. Your best best bet is to match your dress to your picnic blanket, and to giggle delightfully while taking barely perceptible bites of cherry pie. Once the meal is done, roll around in the blanket, and declare yourself to be invisible. This is peak picnic. Your guests will be highly amused, which will prevent them from calling you Half-Pint or making any other Little House on the Prairie jokes. As such, you will have won the day. Celebrate by scarfing down the leftover cherry pie while wearing pajamas and binge watching Little House. You deserve it.

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Argyle

December 3, 2018

Argyle is the ideal pattern for a student trying to learn things. Professors trying to teach things can also benefit from argyle. It is a scholarly pattern, sophisticated, and intellectual. It’s upper-crust, but still accessible to us regular folks with high aspirations. I honestly don’t know how anyone could ever absorb any information about anything if they’re not wearing argyle. It would be like trying to bake cookies without sugar. Entirely doable, but it sort of misses the point of the cookie. What even is learning, if you don’t look the part?

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Argyle’s also good for just strolling down the street in a jaunty cap. It’s a multipurpose pattern.

Houndstooth

November 26, 2018

Houndstooth is traditionally a symbol of power. Originally intended exclusively for menswear it is now a gender neutral pattern (is any pattern gendered anymore?), but one that still conveys a sense of English countryside power, and an upper crust sensibility. Wear a houndstooth suit to your next board meeting and watch as your colleagues sit in rapture of your fashion sense, and then promptly fall asleep during your presentation on the latest TPS reports. (I mean, it’s a cool pattern but your slideshow is still dull as hell).

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Tropical

November 19, 2018

As the weather gets colder, fool yourself into believing it’s still summer by wearing a tropical print. Flowers, palm fronds, and exotic birds will help you feel warm and cozy, even as your delusion leads to shivers, and eventually, frostbite. But at least you’ll look good. Actually, you’ll probably look like an idiot. You’ll be like one of those club kids who go out in the middle of February without a coat on because they don’t want to pay for coat check but are perfectly willing to pay astronomical prices for watered down drinks. Don’t be a club kid. Just wear a damn coat!

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