Everyone knows that in order to be a true artist, one must appear starving at all times. A simple white tee, ratty jeans, and messy hair will help achieve this effect, but most essential are bare feet. Nothing says “my art represents my soul” better than the appearance of not giving a shit while actually giving all the shits that could possibly be given.
For bonus points you can adopt the paleo diet. The disgustingness of this diet will keep you slim, further adding to your starving appearance but most importantly, it’ll boost up your pretentiousness points.
Shout out to my artist friend, Caro, for posing for this shot.
Feeling oppressed by the confines of your office on a beautiful day? The solution is simply to stare out the window longingly, dreaming of the weekend, which will come and go too soon, without having been fully enjoyed, as you were still stressed out about that big project that’s due on Monday. All of this longing and regret is best done in a floral pattern, as it will further emphasize how far away from nature you are, in your office on the 23rd floor. Unless of course your office is in the basement, or in a cubicle somewhere, and you don’t even have a window to stare out of, in which case, maybe an animal print will serve you best, to remind you that truly, you are caged, and will never again be free.
A good way to avoid going back to your desk after the unbridled freedom of a long lunch hour is to repeatedly ride the elevator up and down, silently evaluating the decisions that brought you to this point in life. Do so in style with a printed, peter pan collared top, and sleek black trousers. A pop of hot pink in the form of a kicky heel will remind you that you are capable of making good decisions sometimes.
Wear all the patterns! Rocking an outfit involving joy and whimsy is the only way to combat the soul crushing ennui of designing the horrors demanded by your artistically bereft clients.
When attending meetings you don’t really belong in, and are only there to take note of the important things important people say, it’s a good idea to wear the classically villainous colour combination of purple and green. This will subconsciously remind those important people not to fuck with you. Keep the colours muted though, so you can blend into the background, going unnoticed, thus providing the opportunity for those important people to shoot themselves in the foot by saying scandalous things they wouldn’t normally admit to in front of an outsider. LOL, just kidding, important people don’t, and never will, give a shit about you, and won’t notice a plebeian such as yourself even if you wear a neon sign announcing your intentions to bring their scandalous admissions to the press. Important people are untouchable, and you’re just a big ol’ nothing in a smart vest and cute shoes.
When doing data entry in an office whose air conditioning is perpetually set to “old man” level (which stands to reason since middle-aged men are the default and anyone not fitting that standard deserves to be “othered”) a jaunty scarf worn ’round your shoulders can help to fight off the inevitable frostbite that threatens your fast flying fingers. A black, yet stretchy, pencil skirt and sweater will keep you office-appropriate while whimsically patterned tights will allow you to pretend you’re expressing yourself, and not fully succumbing to the all-encompassing pressure to leave your significant potential untapped.
When getting ready to do some digital drawing the most important elements of your outfit will be a constricting turtleneck (for reigning in your most creative ideas) and t-strap heels (for helping you to buckle down to the task at hand). A high waisted plaid skirt (which forces you to suck in your gut) and a statement necklace (that weighs heavily both literally and figuratively) complete this look which leads to maximum efficiency.
Just kidding. Obviously the only thing you can wear when doing drawings of any kind are pyjamas.
When answering phones for a living it is essential to wear floral patterns in order to keep a positive attitude towards the dumpster fires of humanity that call in with customer complaints. “Sexy Librarian” chic will further ensure that you are attractive yet non-threatening towards said dumpster fires who come to complain in person.
When copywriting it helps to wear a turquoise top with purple tights. These cool colours will keep you chill as you look for ways in which to market pointless products to people who don’t need them.
When handing in TPS reports, it helps to wear a kicky mini with a matching sheer top involving a neck bow. Top it off with a jaunty floral blazer and matching tights and heels. Your supervisor will be blown away by how girly and yet professional you can be when doing unpaid overtime.