Author: Nique

April 17, 1992

April 24, 2017

Boy, I haven’t written in this thing for a long time. I mean it’s 1992!

                                               And thank goodness it isn’t 1992 anymore.

Well, lots has happened of course but I’ve decided that… from now on I’m only going to write my dreams and feelings in here and forget about things that happen (unless it’s really relevant and important). I just read everything I wrote in here and it brought back a lot more bad memories than good ones.

                                              Yeah, I get that.

God, was I ever obsessed with having a boyfriend! In it somewhere I said I thought maybe I loved Jason Priestly. Give me a break, I never loved him! Then I “loved” Taffy, how pathetic. Well I am not obsessed with Taffy anymore although I still like him just in a friend way.

                                           Remember, we’re talking about my teacher here.

I am attracted to him but let’s not be so unrealistic. I have come to see that I always like guys that could never possibly like me, or rather guys that I could never have a relationship with. Like celebrities, Taffy, Tim (a guy in my art class), and most recently Sean Patrick Flanery (from Young Indy). They are all impossible relationships. I never like guys that could really be.

                                           Wait, why am I equating Tim from art class with celebrities? How exactly was some kid I went to school with on the same level as a famous actor? 

The most possible is that guy in my art class, but he’s the one I like the least. He started by always sitting next to me in class and talking to me so I thought he liked me but I never responded so I guess he lost interest.

                                            Yeah, typical me. I only realize people are into me in retrospect. By the time I catch on, they’ve moved on.

But I think I didn’t respond because I am afraid of having a relationship. The closest thing I ever had to potential for a boyfriend was that whole thing from Jane’s boyfriend blind group date thing.

                                              I’m talking about a blind date I went on where I was set up with my friend’s boyfriend’s friend about a year prior. Very interesting that I don’t go into more detail about that night, and subsequent hang-outs with the same squad, which were pure agony of social anxiety hell. I still remember it vividly though. We went to see Tremors, and then we walked around holding hands because my date and I felt like we were supposed to, even though neither one of us had any interest in the other. I recall my friend Jane telling me she set me up with this particular guy because we were both blonde, and therefore sure to get along. Makes sense. All blondes share a hive-mind after all.

But I didn’t respond. I want relationships only in my fantasies. Anything too real and I get scared. 

                                              Holy shit, remarkable insight for little 15-year-0ld me. 

Which is really too bad because I really need some love. I need arms to hold me when I cry… 

                                            Hilarious that I start this entry by shaming myself for being obsessed with wanting a boyfriend, and then proceed to talk about how much I want a boyfriend.

I want somebody to love, and love me. Namely Sean P.F. He is my latest desire. He fills the face of my fantasy men. I wish I could meet him. I hope he has a good personality…I think he’s great, even if he is American.

                                          Lol! Way to end on a xenophobic note there, young me. 

Blue & Brown

April 19, 2017

Brown is a good soldier. She blends in, stays neutral, keeps her head down and does her work, making an effort never to stir the pot. And yet, some still find her offensive simply due to her appearance, simply due to her very nature. Brown is ugly, they say, she serves no purpose. Brown is meant to blend in, and if deployed in anything other than a shoe or a belt, she is deemed too much, and even then, somehow, not enough.

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It’s no wonder Brown is often melancholy. She is perpetually tired, always working hard to keep things together, to be supportive of more eye-catching colours, yet taking the blame whenever a situation is deemed unsuccessful. But she’s also tired because she’s sick of it. Sick of being at once overlooked and over blamed.

Blue on the other hand is everyone’s favourite. People just can’t get enough of Blue. She’s popular but never boastful about it. She’s everyone’s friend, a true friend, genuinely supportive, and giving. When Navy, she is a great neutral, offering assistance where it is needed. And yet, as Azure, or Cobalt, or any number of other shades she takes the spotlight, and shines brightly. She can pull focus and yet never steals the spotlight. She’s simply good. Which is why it hurts her to see her friend Brown so abused.

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Blue takes Brown by the arm, and guides her outside. No hiding in the shadows today, Brown. They walk through the city, taking in the sights, noticing how much brown brick holds up the urban landscape, and stopping for coffee, everyone’s favourite brown drink, and then for chocolate, the most beloved of all brown foods. Their journey takes them to a park, where brown sees herself in the dirt underneath her feet. I will always be walked on, she muses. You are the earth, notes Blue. You hold us all up, and you allow our sustenance to grow. Look at yourself in the bark of the trees that pump out our oxygen, and in the fur of the squirrels that hunt for food among the nuts blending into the ground. You are everywhere, you are everything, you are life itself. Brown smiles, and looks up to the canopy, and beyond. High above it all is her friend Blue, in the sky, blanketing everything below. Everything is going to be okay.

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