Dashed dreams
April 14, 2017
Month: April 2017
Black & Blue
April 12, 2017
Black has always been assured of her power, and feels unwaveringly comfortable taking control of any situation. After doling out advice to her friend, Green, she smugly carries on with her week, supremely confident that she’s always right. She meets up with Blue for cocktails at VIP night at the Fine Arts museum, where they discuss the merits of various so-called masters. They are both calm and collected in their arguments and are both capable of seeing all sides of an issue. Blue favours the impressionists, while Black enjoys abstract expressionism but they both acknowledge that the other makes good points.
Black, still proud of the points she had illuminated for Green, brings up the subject of beauty with Blue. She reiterates her view that there is virtue in recognizing the beauty within that which is typically considered ugly. Blue nods in understanding, acknowledging that one must always search for the light in all situations, as everything and everyone is imbued with both darkness and light. Yes, but it’s not a matter of searching for the light, it’s a matter of being comfortable with the dark, says Black. Certainly, agrees Blue, but wisdom comes from finding the light within the dark.
That’s a little unfair, pouts Black, for the first time, perhaps ever, unnerved. Easy for you to say that wisdom comes from the light, since you can merge with white and become pastel, yet remain blue, but white added to me is grey, which is quite distinct from black. Sensing Black’s sensitivity at always being perceived as the bad guy, Blue elaborates on her point. There is wisdom in the light, in the brightness within all things, but darkness reveals truth. When we dig the deepest, when we peel away the layers and reveal the underbelly, this is when we discover what is most real, and then, and only then, can we choose our path, and walk towards the light. Still suspecting that she is somewhat under attack, Black nevertheless knows that this is as good as it’s going to get for her. Blue will never lie, and if she truly believes that the correct path is that of the light, then Black won’t argue. Agree to disagree, she smiles slyly.
November 29, 1991
April 10, 2017
Friday. The dream I had last night was so weird…
I wrote out a long dream, but it’s not that interesting so I’ll spare you. The take home is that it was an anxiety dream of sorts, and perhaps one of my first instances of semi-lucid dreaming. The same scene kept happening over and over – an old lady trying to kill my mother and I – and I kept replaying it, each time more successful until finally I managed to get her to the police and escape. It was also one of the first times I dreamed in French. What’s more interesting than the dream itself was my penmanship as I was writing it down. My handwriting gets increasingly sloppy to the point where I had trouble reading it. It seems I felt it was very important to transcribe the dream, so I guess it had a big effect on me.
Friday, December 20, 1991
X-mas vacation began today. I have lots to say. That rhymes! (Taffy stuff, candy gram, crush development…)
Oh god, here we go.
Did I ever talk about Taffy before? Well that’s Robert Taffendon my homeroom, History & EMR teacher. He is wonderful! First the candy gram story. It all began with me first comeing to the school. He always tells stories and he sometimes mentions his wife. Jane and I always pictured his wife as a blonde bombshell (I guess because he is a blonde babe). Every day at school we would see Mr. Taffendon with this other teacher (Mrs. Laventholl or something) so we were like, hmmm, he is always with that lady, she must be his mistress. Well one day in one of his stories he revealed that she was his wife. Jane and I thought this was hilarious (although we were disappointed). So every time Taffendon would pass by our table at lunch we would crack up. We dubbed him Taffy and her Missy, by the way. Before x-mas they were doing the candy gram thing. So we sent one to Taffy explaining why we always laugh at him. He thought it was hilarious and he loved it. Now I would like to think that I have this special, unique, student-teacher bond with him.
Cringing. Nice of him to play along and pretend something so inane was funny though.
I really like Taffy. At first I had fantasies about him so I thought it was a crush. I guess it still is somewhat. I have the utmost admiration for that man. I always feel happy when I’m around him and I miss him already. I thought of going to school today just to see him but then decided not to get up early if I didn’t have to. He is going to Florida for x-mas (I think he’s Jewish). Jane is going too! I hope she gets some pictures of him so I can have some and put one in that thing I am making him for the end of the year. (a 1991-1992 memorabilia of Taffy.). Earlier in this diary I wrote that I wanted the perfect guy. Well, I have found what I think is the closest thing to it, but he can’t be my boyfriend because he is at least 24 years older than me, he is my teacher, he is married and has a child. It truly makes me sad to think I can never have him for my own. Maybe I do love him. I guess I’ll never know!
Part of me thinks this is hilarious and part of me is crippled with embarrassment. I do distinctly remember Taffy but not what he looked like. I just googled him in an effort to remember but there are no pictures readily available. I did find him on ratemyteachers.com and found that he was still teaching at BHS up until a few years ago and kids still love him. He really was a great teacher, and I guess the novelty of such a thing fueled my infatuation. By then he was probably used to kids crushing on him and was completely unfazed. One of my clearest memories of him is a time I was the first one to come to class. I sat at my desk and he asked me how I was. I replied that I was fine. He said that I didn’t have to lie, that I didn’t have to say the expected pleasantly and could answer honestly if I wasn’t really fine. I guess he could tell that I was an unhappy kid. I don’t remember what I replied but that interaction always stuck with me. I really appreciated an authority figure giving me permission, if you will, to be authentic.