I just did these drawings and writings and I think they say it all.

                                      The drawings were at some point removed, but I put in a caption saying they were about my celebrity crush Sean Patrick Flannery.

May 22, 1992

God, it’s hot, I can’t wait ’till winter!!! I relaly, really love S.P.F. and can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve never like anyone so much (that is, someone I don’t even know). He has even made me for forget  about my Mr. Perfect. It’s not healthy for anyone to like someone they don’t even know so much. like him as much as I like Star Trek: The Next Generation! Hmmm, I sure hope he’s an atheist, I don’t know if I could handle it if he wasn’t. SIGH! I wish he were here!!!

                                    Then there’s another entry with more of the same, where I mention that I’m willing to put up posters and stickers about Star Trek, but not S.P.F. It’s sort of interesting that I was perfectly comfortable and open about my Star Trek obsession, but embarrassed about my celebrity crush, which is the opposite of how I suppose most teenage girls were at that time. I remember that New Kids on the Block were all the rage in those days and other girls were very open about their interest in the New Kids, while I just didn’t get it. I wonder if I had gotten it, if I’d been into Jordan or Joey instead of some obscure actor on a sci-fi/adventure show, I’d have been willing to openly express this interest. But then there is the question of who I would have expressed it to. I didn’t really have any friends at that age so it’s not like I was going to sleepovers and gossiping about anything, let alone boys.

June 10, 1992

At the beginning of this diary I said how I felt when about turning 15, and you know, I don’t feel at all 16. I don’t feel older physically, mentally, emotionally… anything. I still think of myself as a young teenager instead of an old teen (because 16 is the turning point). Maybe I’m not ready to be 16. Maybe I’m in denial. I don’t want to grow up. Except to be with S.P.F.

                                 Well, I certainly had some strong thoughts on the subject of adolescence and the wide gap between 15 and 16, didn’t I? This is a recurring theme in my life, always feeling like I have to play catch-up and act my age even though I feel younger. I’ve often gone through typical life stages about a decade behind others. For instance, I had my “sowing of wild-oats” phase in my 30s, rather than in my 20s, in college, like most people (or at least what popular culture tells us is typical of college kids). I still feel younger than I am. At 40, I feel like I should have accomplished much more than I actually have. But it’s probably common for people to feel like they haven’t done enough with their lives, or that they’ve missed out on things.

Nic, Nïk? Niek? Niec?

                               Here I was trying out alternate spellings of my name, as I was trying to figure out how to spell it so that people would pronounce it correctly. I’ve always disliked being called “Nick”, as I self-identify with the pronunciation “Neek”. In my IRC days (around 1996), I started spelling it Nique, thinking this would make the pronunciation clear (as in unique without the “u”), but still, very few people seem to understand the distinction. I should have gone with Neek.