When getting ready to do some digital drawing the most important elements of your outfit will be a constricting turtleneck (for reigning in your most creative ideas) and t-strap heels (for helping you to buckle down to the task at hand). A high waisted plaid skirt (which forces you to suck in your gut) and a statement necklace (that weighs heavily both literally and figuratively) complete this look which leads to maximum efficiency.
Just kidding. Obviously the only thing you can wear when doing drawings of any kind are pyjamas.
So I had my annual work evaluation the other day. What my job calls a “Contribution Assessment”. My supervisor basically said that my work is fine but the problem is my personality. I’m too negative and I don’t work well with others.
If she only knew how much I don’t say, how much I keep inside, how much remains hidden. I was actually pretty honest with her in my response, and mentioned a few problems with our workplace that are incompatible with my personal integrity, and I admitted to my social anxiety. But I didn’t admit that I have no intention of changing anything about the way I interact with my coworkers. For one thing, I’m incapable of such change. I’ve been working on it for 40 years and trust me when I say this is as good as it gets. I’ve been trying to “fake it ’till I make it” my entire life and my daily efforts to remain civil and positive are Herculean. I’ve also realized that the bigger the effort, the more likely I am to spiral into depression, so no, I absolutely will not try harder, because my mental health will always be more important than my job.
Now I just need to learn to stop taking it personally when people complain about me. I mean, it is personal, and it’s normal to care what others think of you, but if I’m not willing to be nicer to others, then I need to chill when they’re nasty right back.
2018 update: I was threatened with unpaid leave for posting this blog entry. I was also told that the above comics were unacceptable. I removed the blog post at my employer’s request and spiralled into a depression I still haven’t recovered from. But now I’ve restored the blog post because I quit, after being treated with a level of disrespect I could not tolerate (long story short is that my subordinate, who’d been working here for one month, while I’d been working there for ten years, was promoted to be my supervisor.) I was like, peace out! So this upsetting rant is coming back up!
Well, babysitting was just howdy doody. I went to Fairview with mom and Keith earlier and I got a new school bag; it’s one of those things you wear on your back – a back pack and it’s plastic but from a far looks like leather, it has a map on it. I can’t ’till PEI.
Why did I feel the need to explain what a back pack is? Who did I think I was explaining this to?
While at Fairview Keith and I got a bad case of “spontaneous combustion”, you know, the giggles. It was hilarious.
I circled “nothing”, like it was very significant that my life was an empty shell of meaninglessness.
I hope to paint tomorrow.
P.S. Keith and I went to the depanneur and I am eating my runts.
P.P.S. It’s like 3:20 a.m. and I just finished watching a movie where people are in this huge scavenger hunt. It would be so fun to be in such a hunt. I’ve never done anything like that and I’d like to! I would be on a team with Taylor! By the way his last name could also be Morgan and his first could also by Tyler. Anyway, bye.
It’s interesting that I’m transcribing this entry literally two days after participating in a scavenger hunt of sorts. It was a photo relay for work which was meant to serve as a team building activity. The only problem is that it was about -20 degrees Celsius out, so a lot of people bowed out. Leading up to this hunt, I’d wondered how I would behave during it. A few weeks previously, I’d found myself in an escape room at a friend’s birthday party and I did not enjoy the experience at all. I just couldn’t suspend my disbelief or take it seriously. I knew, going in, that I’d be pretty chill about the whole thing because I have trouble committing to low-stakes situations. With no tangible prize on the line I just didn’t see the point. So for the work mandatory photo relay I worried that I’d again half-ass it, but the opposite turned out to be true. It seems that I view anything work related as high-stakes. My team started out strong, and early on I made a significant contribution which turned out to be part of the answer we needed. Once outside my team fell apart in the cold weather so I took it upon myself to finish the relay alone, where another clue came together in my mind and I figured out the answer to our team’s quizz (or rather confirmed the answer two other team members had suggested). Once back at our home base I took the lead in presenting our team’s findings. I was pretty proud of myself for stepping up in this way considering my poor showing at the escape room.
This all relates to some recent soul-searching I’ve been doing about my paid job. I work at a hospital foundation but I don’t have a genuine interest in philanthropy, healthcare or fundraising, so why do I work so hard? I guess I just have a strong work ethic which is obviously a good thing but sometimes I feel like this devotion to my paid job holds me back from pursuing my dreams. Should I just take the plunge and quit to concentrate on the work I actually want to do, such as finish that graphic novel I’ve been working on? Or would I fall apart without the stability of my routine? Or is this concern about losing my routine just an excuse to mask my fear of failure? Ultimately, am I still just circling the word “nothing”?